Insert optional cold weather themed pun here
by Bacard
Summary: After months, Siberia can still suck on brand new levels, and now that "new level" is Dave from New York. A Stargate/Friends crossover, in which Rodney McKay meets and hates Phoebe's ex, Dave, a goat is mentioned and insults fly in every direction.


Fandom: Stargate/Stargate: Atlantis; Friends  
>Category: Gen, Crossover, Humor, borderline-Crack, AU, Flashfic<br>Rating/Warnings: PG-13, because of a few cussings littered here and there  
>Characters: Rodney McKay &amp; Dave "Last-Name-Hasn't-Been-Given", and the strong spiritual presence of one Phoebe Buffay<br>Word Count: 800 including the title

Author's Notes:  
>* Yep, that's the title.<br>* Technically, timeframe-wise, it's a Stargate: SG-1 fic, but... since the part I wrote about *wasn't* in Stargate, and Rodney McKay *is* an SGA-character, and this counts as his backstory, I think it works as a Stargate: Atlantis fic too.  
>* About Dave: I can't find his, or his friend's full name, so I improvised; it will be replaced if I find the correct names.<br>* So: Max said Phoebe that they went to Minsk, Russia. Minsk isn't in Russia, but Belorussia, and I'd rather take this slip as a proof of a lie, than the proof of the writer's incompetence. And: If they worked on the Russian Stargate, that could be a reason for lying.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate, or Stargate: Atlantis, nor Friends; and I don't make any profit from this little story I borrowed the characters for.

**[Insert optional cold-weather-themed pun here]**

Rodney McKay was sure he'd pissed of Someone… Someone with powers… big time. He could've thought that "that Someone" were "just" the SGC, and that "powers" were "just" authority and connections, and the world was still that little (and just a tiniest bit intergalactic) sandbox he'd used to play in, but "Siberia", and "Siberia, shared with Dave Collins" weren't the same punishment, not even close. He was "doomed"… in the "figure of speech"-meaning of the word of course, because "witchcraft and woodoo" were for people "too dumb to find the logic (which being: you're dumb, so you fuck up) behind the events of their life… (and/or/including anthropologists)", and Rodney definitely wasn't one of them. He was just… maybe he was just on the edge of losing it.

He got used to the weather ("As much as you can get used to freeze your as off, and no, it doesn't help if you're Canadian, thankyouverymuch!"), and after half a year he could pronounce some of the names ("Just pretend to try to suppress a hiccup and a sneeze at the same time!"), although he never even tried to remember them ("Nikolai Konstaninovich Maksimenkov? Tell me you're kidding! I honestly don't care how much shorter "Kolya" actually is, it's still just another ridiculous name in this misery!). Then Dave and Max arrived, and instead of scientific debates in pronounceable languages (as he hoped… how much he hoped, it wasn't even funny anymore), he spent long ("and looong, and loooooong") evenings unsuccessfully trying to ignore the constant whining about how much had Dave missed his girlfriend he'd left in New York.

Rodney understood that "that Phoebe" was beautiful, blonde and awesome (those were traits he could relate to), but her letters (or rather the incredibly long and detailed and… "random" stories in them that Dave found endearing and funny, while Rodney scary and creepy), just drove him nuts. Like the one with Phoebe agreeing to give birth to her brother's triplets, or the one with the Hanukah, Santa Claus, Superman and an armadillo.

The last drop still was when he found out that she was the one responsible for the "Smelly Cat" song in "that" cat food commercial. ("This means war!)

That meant war.

The most annoying point in the whole situation was the tiny little fact that Dave had actual ("surprisingly usable") brain behind/above that lovesick expression on his face. ("Well… yes, you're not completely wrong, but…") The second most annoying point was another little fact namely Dave's ("goddamned, stoic, unmoveable, scarily optimist") patience. ("No, I did mean it as an insult! I never not-mean it as an insult!" and "What do you mean by you got worse from Phoebe? No, I really don't want to know…") The combination of these two traits… was deadly.

For example: It started with a rant that made "Olimpiada Whateverovna Whatsherfaceova", the epitome of the "clichéd bear-like Russian female scientist" cry like… like… no, there weren't words for that. Rodney was proud. It ended with Dave stuttering something apology-kind-of-murmuring, and in the middle of a word, suddenly realising what they'd missed all along and launching into a detailed explanation… anger apparently forgotten on both parts. Temporary, because Rodney (of course) was furious. Later.

Or: It started with an exceptionally cruel and cold-blooded scheme involving the Russian Post System, _and_ Phoebe's letters, _and_ an actual living goat, _and_ a few Greenpeace-activists (surprisingly some of them (secret Russian military base or not) were always around, or nearby, or trying to actually break _in_, meanwhile waiting for things to blow up; almost as if they'd known what was really going on under the surface… literally), _aaaaand_ … a stapler. Rodney was proud again, although he didn't really know what to do with that stubborn little voice in his head telling him that A) he had completely missed the point, and yes, of course, there was a "point" somewhere, there always is; and B) it was just not _that_ fun… no, really; and finally C) while they were on the subject… exactly why Rodney went that far in the game? The same game that ended with Dave looming over Rodney, seeming _almost_ dangerous, smiling that sad little smile, which usually accompanied those ominous "endearingly creepy" stories about Phoebe and her friends. ("You're cruel. You know, Phoebe would probably like you. She's wired… differently than most of the people of this planet:"). And that was it.

Rodney McKay felt sure he'd pissed of Someone… Someone with powers… big time. And if he'd let himself believe that "that Someone" were the SGC with its authority and connections, he had reminded himself that "Siberia", and "Siberia, shared with Dave Collins" weren't even close to being the same punishment. He was "doomed"… in every possible meaning of the word.

The End


End file.
